HIGH NEED-HIGH NEED or OVERWHELMED FAMILY SITUATIONS
High Need or Overwhelmed Family Situations refer to periods of time when each member of the couple (or every member of the family) is in great need. Your increased need might be due to feelings of depression, to work stress, caregiving stress, grief, or PMS. At such times, each of you needs the time and attention of the other - their understanding, tolerance, comfort and assistance. But the other cannot give it because of his or her own intense needs. There is very little emotional resource within the couple or the family system for anyone.
Under pressure, couples and family members will quickly turn to blaming each other rather than problem-solving an issue. It is easier to blame than to problem-solve. At first, it even feels better because anger lets us discharge the frustrations that have built up during this stressful time.
I sat with a couple today in the High Need-High Need Situation. He was experiencing the depressive part of his bi-polar disorder which made him very needy, yet very irritable and intolerant, all the more noticing the things she did that drove him crazy and made him feel uncared for. She was experiencing grief for the recent loss of her father and was going through a difficult PMS. Her usual easy-going style was not there to help ease her husband’s moods. They each felt very upset – all the more so because they couldn’t turn to their spouse of support. Instead, they started pointing fingers at each other. “You know a messy house brings me down.” “Why is it always about you!”
Once they could label the situation as High Need- High Need, they were able to come up with some ideas. They would utilize outside resources where possible – babysitters for their daughter, friends to talk to; more self-soothing activities and a time to come together when they were feeling more at ease. They recognized, too, that having time alone together on a regular basis would provide a positive foundation for the couple that would help them get through such hard times when they arose.
High Needs can pervade the whole family system pressures increase due to job loss, divorce, illness, moves, birth, death or just caregiving in general. Family members who are responsible for the care of elderly, the disabled or even healthy growing children are easily overwhelmed by responsibilities that require them to push their needs aside. We each need some time alone – presumably the house to ourselves – on a regular basis. Without that, we feel a little craze and become irritable. And couples need time alone on a regular basis or else they falter; partners fight and forget what was good.
Lonny and Karen seemed like two very nice people caught up in an overwhelmed family situation. A few months ago, Lonny’s parents moved closer to Lonny and Karen as they needed assistance in their older years. His mother was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s and his father, a retired professor was missing the audience he was used to having in the classroom. Lonny worked full time, two late nights a week, with a one hour commute each way. He was also taking classes on-line to re-direct his career. Karen worked full time also though her shift differed from Lonny’s. Saturday was the only day they had off together. Every other Saturday, Lonny’s 10 year old daughter stayed with them and a great deal of time was spent on her extracurricular activities. So, on those weeks, the only time Lonny and Karen had alone together was on the drives to and from town on Tuesday and Wednesday.
Though they had never been a bickering couple, they were bickering now – about how time was spent and who did what – common conflicts in situations where the demands are greater than the resources. While Karen has always taken pleasure in doing special things for Lonny, now she was asking why he didn’t do the same for her. She was not feeling appreciated for all she did for his family. Of course, she felt bad about that. Lonny was confused about what he was supposed to do. He was trying to accommodate everyone but his wife was still upset and it made him feel like a bad husband.
STRATEGIES
As with any Difficult Situation, the first step is to recognize that you are in a High Need-High Need or Overwhelmed Family Situation. Then, you’ve got to generate ideas for ways to ease the stress and address the needs. The challenge is to minimize finger-pointing. When resources are scarce – there’s not enough money, energy, time – tempers run short and patience wears thin. “What were you thinking!” “How could you do that!” We really get into scrutinizing the other’s behavior. Understandably, defensiveness is high. “Leave me alone!” “Why are you always on my case!” Lots of exclamation points when what’s needed is one question mark – “How can we ease the situation?”
The primary strategy in the Overwhelmed System is to strengthen the couple at the center. With so much going on, it becomes extremely important that you have time alone together as a couple – to check in with each other, to escape it all however briefly, to re-charge, to have good times together so as to put positive experiences and feelings in the “bank”; to remember why you came together to begin with.
This kind of situation is also eased by creating routines and making tasks and needs specific. It helped, for example, for Lonny to know that his job, before leaving for work on Sunday, was to clean the kitchen and to make sure the floors were vacuumed. Then Karen knew she could count on the house being or order when she returned from church. Having things to count on and to look forward to are very important in this Difficult Situation.
They also understood the sacredness of the limited time they did have alone. They would make savor those times and plan for them together. Planning is very important when responsibilities abound. Plan for fun times as well as work times.
Outside help is also very important for the Overwhelmed System. Both couples realized that needed to be part of the solution – babysitters, elder care workers, friends to talk to, and for Lonny and Karen, the active recruitment of his brother in helping their parents. Even though he lived in another town, there were still things he could do for his parents or for Lonny and Karen that could ease the burden.
